


Everlasting Grief

by gothicghost



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: AU, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 09:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8439694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothicghost/pseuds/gothicghost
Summary: When hopeless love is too strong to bear...





	

Merlin caught himself eyeing someone one day. Not just any civilian on the street, though. This person was special. When he realized that he was making goo-goo eyes at the already married King Arthur, he mentally stabbed himself. He knew it was wrong. He knew that Gwen was Arthur's love. And Gwen loved Arthur. But once he started, he couldn't stop. And he  _wanted_ to stop so bad, because each time he did, the feeling of longing became stronger, as did the feelings of guilt, sorrow, and anger. He loved Arthur and it was upsetting. He tried to distance himself from Arthur once his emotions became over bearing. Arthur hardly left Gwen's side and it suffocated him when he was in the same place as they were. And, he felt bad about it. 

Once, he had to act sick so he could leave. He was about to cry and he couldn't let Arthur see. To be honest, he really was sick. He was always aching inside and out, especially when he and Arthur were in the same room. He was either light-headed or had a headache. Some of this could be blamed on his lack of nourishment. He found it hard to eat anymore. He hid it well, though. He wouldn't even go to Gaius. He didn't want to risk being dejected for how he felt towards Arthur. He knew it was all wrong. Things went on for months before anyone picked up on his struggles. 

Gaius asked him if he was doing alright. 

"You look awful, Merlin," said the physician, stopping him on his way to work.

"I'm fine." Lies. All lies. He stepped around his father-figure to go wake Arthur and probably Gwen. 

"Are you for sure?" No.

"Yes."

Arthur was concerned when Merlin was being distant one day. 

"Merlin, you're half dead. Do you need to see Gaius?"

"What? No." Yes, I do, but I can't worry him.  

"You seem distant." Well, considering it feels as if you're slowly pushing me away...

"Just a bit tired." Tired of emotions. Tired of life. Tired of pretending. I just want to leave forever. Arthur shrugged and went back to working. 

_Why can't anyone just notice?_

Merlin smiled a ghost of a smile to reassure everyone that he was fine, that help was unnecessary, that the red marks on his arms and thighs were non-existant even though he scratched at them often. When asked about the scratching, he complained of mosquito bites. As much as he wanted people to think he was fine, he wanted someone to see through his glass smile.

*

One morning, he woke up on a day off to squealing. Alarmed, he rushed into Gaius's chambers where he heard the squealing only to find Gwen with her arms around Arthur's neck and Arthur's arms around her waist. 

"What's happening?" His voice was urgent. He stared jelously at how tightly the married couple embraced each other. Gwen was the first to answer.

"Oh, Merlin! I'm pregnant!" 

"That's great!" He said with his most excited mask. It was! He didn't feel great, but Arthur was building a family once more. And he would no longer need Merlin. This was his chance to get out. A month. He had to wait a month. Only one more month, and then he could finally escape this nasty world. 

*

The night before he left, he cried himself to sleep. He had written two notes, one to Gaius, the other to Arthur. He arose an hour before dawn the next morning. He tied the paper addressed to Gaius onto the door knob of his bed chambers. He took breakfast up to Arthur and placed the second paper neatly beside the tray. Then he closed the door behind him for the last time with a sigh. This was it. He could leave. He ran out of the castle, guilt growing more so than before with each step. What will they think when they find his corpse? Will they be disappointed? Angry? Would he have become invisible to everyone so much that they not even care if he were gone? No, he had to get these thoughts out. He ran for miles into the woods until he found the right tree.  _His_ tree. The tree that had srong limbs that cradled him in times of need. 

"Well," Merlin said to the tree. "This is the last time you'll need to support my weight." The wind blew, rustling the leaves as if to say  _"Goodbye,"_ or  _"I'm sorry."_

He looped the rope he had packed around a certain limb. The limb grew high into the sky and in a spot near the trunk was carved  _AP+ME, If only it were so._

He climbed up onto the branch and put his head through the hole. He jumped, the rope catching him and swinging him by his neck until he suffocated. 

*

Arthur woke up a little after sunrise. He was about to get angry at Merlin for not waking him earlier, but he saw the tray of food. Confused, he approached the meal with caution. He noticed the slip of paper placed neatly on his bread. It was addressed to him in Merlin's handwriting. 

_Arthur,_

_I can no longer handle loving someone who doesn't love me back. Please stay safe, and keep your family safe, and please do not blame yourself for the damage I have done to myself. I love you. Goodbye._

_Your friend,_

_Merlin_

This, Arthur thought at first, had to have been forced. Someone forced Merlin to put this here. Merlin wouldn't just leave. Somehow he knew that Merlin was in danger, and not because someone kidnapped him. He needed to find Gaius. 

When he arrived a few short minutes later, he burst through the door. He didn't even bother dressing. Gaius was standing with an other sheet of paper in his hands with a stricken and concerned face. His read:

_Dear Gaius,_

_I love you like a son loves his father, as this is what you've become to me. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner, I feared you would abandon me. Don't blame yourself for my actions. Goodbye._

_Sincerely,_

_Merlin_

"Merlin," muttered Gaius. 

"We have to find him, Gaius. I can't lose him."

*

It wasn't until three hours later did Arthur and his knights find Merlin hanging my his neck from the tree. 

"No.." He got off his horse and stumbled towards the tree. He almost fell a few times, but Leon caught him. He stood there staring at the body. He couldn't think or speak. The day was a blur afterwards. Somehow he managed to gather Merlin's corpse and ride it back to Camelot. Gwen's wail. His breakdown. Himself crashing to his knees in tears at the front door of the castle. He hit his fist on the ground until his knuckles bled. His broken scream. Guards taking his trembling form to his room. It was all a blur. 

Arthur was there the next day when Gaius examined Merlin's body. He nearly fainted at Merlin's pale, skeletal body that had deep crimson gashes decorating the arms and thighs. Scars from unknown battles littered his body. A purple and green ring around his neck. 

"He sacraficed so much for you, Arthur. And then he fell into an undying love that broke him." Silence.

"I-I should have noticed sooner, Gaius.. I should have stopped this.."

*

Twenty years later, his first born would be having a birthday party. Arthur sat at the throne, gazing around the room. Merlin stood beside him, making a ridiculous joke and wearing that stupid grin on his face. 

"You idiot," he muttered to his servant.

"Father, it's time for your speach." Arthur nodded and stood up. He turned to wink at Merlin, but the boy was gone. He did that often, appear then disappear. 


End file.
